Ok, so when I was babysitting my newborn nephew recently, I started thinking how nice it would be if "built in" I had a few tricks up my sleeve. I started thinking even harder about it, and I realized these "mutations" shouldn't be limited to just mothers, but all women in general. (yes, this may become a feminist post-- deal with it).
#1: a third arm. Literally, a third arm. As I am changing Adam's diaper, making sure his you know what doesn't play sprinkler with the living room, I realized how advantageous a third arm would be. I mean-- think about it. The advantages it would provide with a baby of course are endless--- holding a baby in one, and maybe typing a blog entry in another? But even beyond mothers, I would sure as hell love a third arm while I am in kitchen (ok, rarely I know. Eric is the cook, I am comfortable, not threatened, by it). Or sun bathing (book, drink and phone at ONE TIME?!) Or teaching (Sure Billy, I am just going to grade your awful paper while I also shop for a new bathing suit onlineeeeeeeeeeee).
#2: Built in Google to the Brain. Women are the ultimate multi-taskers. The only arguments I will get from this are the men. We are. I really think it is something that has evolved in us from way back when we had to take care of a family of 12, keep a pristine house, and cook a 5 course dinner. I'd love to see the men in my life do THAT. (I'd love to see myself do it well in fact). So-- how have we not developed some type of quick database system in our brains to easily access information like "finding that movie time for your incompetent friend" while simultaneously "looking up that recipe" as well as "researching the latest teaching methods for Common core." IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES. Give us another 1000 years, we will get it.
#3: a temporary clone. Ok, I realize this may be far-fetched, but helping my sister in law out with her FOUR KIDS I realized... how have we not figured out a way to clone ourselves--- temporarily of course. All women, especially mothers, seriously need time for themselves. I am not even a true mom yet and I realize this one. I cannot imagine being cooped up ALL THE TIME with nothing but work and family duties. Maybe some of you enjoy that, no judgement here. But I would rather live in a world where we just momentarily clone ourselves ( or at least the dutiful part of ourselves),and leave the clone to a day of responsibilities [ take care of baby, wash those mounds of clothes we both seem to ignore, clean the dirt once again from the entrance way into the house, finally empty the dishwasher, garden, water the garden, grade those papers, and if you have some time dear clone, make dinner]. Meanwhile, mommy is out getting her pedicure, running those errands she has been meaning to ( come on, it can't be all fun), maybe getting a quick shop in, having lunch with daddy, tanning by the pool, then stopping by for social hour. Then, she comes home refreshed, ready to play with baby, and energized for the evening. Perfection. Now, of course this must be used sparingly. Even clones can't be abused. Then they start cloning themselves. And that's just crazy talk right there.
#4: Lastly, and I may piss of a few women with this one, an internal warning alarm-- for those times when our crazy just goes too far. We are all guilty of it. Spiraling out of control--- either hormone, stress, or self induced. You know those moments when you know you are going crazy, and you are having an out of body experience during it? Like you are watching yourself say some pretty awful things, and you are thinking in your head "good God, stop! Number 1 you sound so mean, Number 2, you looking trifling." But we can't stop ourselves because that is the very nature of our "freak out." Thus, during those moments of distress when we are either freaking out on hubby, our co workers, or our family/friends, it would be very nice to have a sweet little cuddly creature pop into our brains ( I'm picturing Snuggle from the fabric softener? Or maybe Ryan Gosling?) and say, "Hey beautiful girl. It's ok-- I know you are right. You are sooo right. But I just want you to calm down a little bit, because hey girl... you're messing up your great look. And you sound like a Banshee." And ladies, I am not saying this is our fault (usually it is the fault of our raging hormones and vengeful schedule). Any of you who know me well know I will never admit I am wrong. Sorry. (It's bc I'm not... :) )... but even if we are right during those tense talks with sweetheart, it is ok to just be a Betty White instead of a Real Housewife of New Jersey.
Well I am sure I have several more... but I would really love to hear your additions :) Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment